The Nose on My Face, Archive |
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Presidents are masters at emotional leverage. Bush used 9/11 to advance his hawk-view and thumb his nose at the whole world. Now Obama has grabbed hold of the downturn to shove an unfocused and massively massive spending stimulus down our throats. The country as a whole has been living above its means, and this package is one humongous, high-interest loan, the equivalent of borrowing off your credit card ... but multiplied by a billion. For God's sake, don't save any money, because in a couple of years it won't be worth a cent. Hmm, I guess that's exactly what the Feds want.
You have surely heard that the Pope has condemned the use of condoms as a means to prevent aids in Africa. With the power of persuasion that this man wields, this is tantamount to murder. By the thousands. This man who purports to be the voice of God had better hope there is no God. "Jiminy Cricket" originated in the sixteenth century as an expletive euphemism for Jesus Christ and later was considered vulgar and its use discouraged by the Catholic church. It seems that old Walt occasionally had a secret chuckle at our expense. Janis Joplin was a loyal gem. She could have had any guitarist, but she stuck with what's-his-name. Obama's approval rating is far higher in most other countries than in the USA. That's because all the people who voted for Bush still live here. For most of human existence, entertainment consisted of listening to stories enacted around a fire. It's in our bones (and DNA). That's why quadraphonic sound and smell-o-rama theaters never took off. We just want to see and hear the story unfold in front of us. I was listening to Sir Paul McCartney's first two solo albums recently, and the genius of his producing skills struck me as I marveled at how he managed to work Linda in without turning the whole thing into a farce. Maybe it was for this that he was knighted. There's one historical milestone achieved with the election of Barack Obama that seems to have slipped past all the pundits: this is the first US President younger than I. Wow. Local San Diego news is geared for a thirteen-year-old audience. I'll bet yours is as well. How to Win Friends and Influence People -- doesn't the very title imply a contradiction? Israel is scratching its head. There doesn't seem to be any buildings left standing in Gaza, let alone Hamas targets, so they might as well declare a unilateral cease fire. Either that, or Palestinian deaths are approaching 1,300 versus 13 Israelis -- the 100:1 parity has been met. I have a flyer here from the Geocentric Bible Foundation (www.geocentricity.com), whose members earnestly believe that the Earth is the center of the universe. Do you shudder to realize that these people are allowed to vote? I can see the future, and it looks a lot like the past, only with more diverse entertainment. And, instead of gabbing over coffee in the kitchen, we do it while shopping with friends ... who are at a different mall. Hold on, we're already there. Israel has responded to Hamas rocket attacks by blasting the Gaza Strip with massive air strikes -- over 270 reported killed (including many children). Brilliant! This will undoubtedly reduce the Palestinian violence. Listening to the rumblings of an imploding economy, we gather our friends and family close and reflect on what really matters in life. (Hint: it's not stuff). Bush got the boot this weekend on his visit to The Conquered Land -- a little soulful salute. I wonder what tortures that man is now enduring for lending the President his shoes with such enthusiasm. San Diego, like many other cities, is struggling to come up with sufficient funds to operate. Loud protests followed a proposal to tax veterinarian services. The naive city council apparently doesn't understand that pets now constitute adopted children. Did you know that there are whole religious societies out there who believe that the Earth is the center of the universe, and that the sun and planets revolve around it? The world is a scarier place than you imagined. The fact that medical science attacks problems after they develop rather than preventing them is demonstrated in the names of the two most effective outcomes: anti-biotics and ant-acid. Off-duty US soldiers cannot be tried in Iraqi courts. The country is either graced by 150,000 American diplomats, or still hosts an occupation force. A proposition on the CA ballot this year would ban same-sex marriage. A good friend of mine wonders whether the marriages of the proponents of this bill are very fragile that they feel so threatened. Demonstration of a population's failing IQ: they spend precious tax money to ensure that their tap water is clean enough to drink, then spend billions on bottled water to drink. Undecided voters worry that McCain's crony ties developed during his long years in Washington will stifle independent decisions, but they're also worried that Obama's lack of crony ties will make his independent decisions impossible to implement. Too little initiative and you end up living in a trailer watching television all day; too much, and you lead a life of perceived failure. Happiness is balance in all things. Warren Buffet thinks that he and his colleagues should be paying more taxes. Now here's an old guy who's either feeling the numb fingers of senility, or should have been president for the last eight years. The candidates faced off Friday night. Obama was your brainy cousin, while McCain was your uncle who talks to you like you were still ten years old. Guess who's going to win? Have you ever noticed how at this time of year the progression of shortening daylight hours seems to be accelerating? That's because it is. Have you also noticed how the light seems to have more clarity than in spring? That's because the human brain handles relative comparisons wonderfully, but absolute ones miserably. It is now accepted by sociologists that the reduction of crime through the nineties was a direct result of Roe-vs-Wade -- fewer disadvantaged boys growing up in dysfunctional environments. Statistics can suck. Phosphorus was discovered when a seventeenth-century German alchemist named Hannig Brand distilled dozens of gallons of his urine in a misguided attempt to extract gold and noticed that the noxious, waxy paste glowed in the dark. And they all laughed when my brothers and I tried to jump off the roof of our house with a parachute made from a 5' square piece of plastic. Obama has a black father and a white mother; this makes him "black." If the Zulu had settled in America before the Europeans (and similarly wiped out indigent natives), Obama would be running as the first white president. Definition of a Russian cease fire: the opposing army is smashed, and there's no need to fire anymore. flip-flop -- is it indecision, or the ability to re-evaluate data and direct new paths? There's hundreds of thousands of dead people who would have wished the President had "flip-flopped" about invading Iraq. The President seems to mutter when he tries to reprimand Russia over its Georgia invasion. No wonder, considering this is like Hitler calling Stalin a bully. A huge sea of new houses has gone up near us, providing another example of irony: the reason there are no longer doves at Dove Canyon Road, and deer near Deer Ridge Drive is because the developer built streets called Dove Canyon Road, and Deer Ridge Drive. In an April poll, 10% of Americans believed that Barack Obama was Muslim. I wonder if our founding fathers ever had doubts about this idea of total democracy. Labeling NPR as leftwing media is like calling your window liberal for not showing the American flag in your lawn twice its actual size. If the constitution is interpreted literally, then we only have the right to own muskets; otherwise, I should be able to keep ten tons of high explosives in my shed, and loaded bazookas aimed at my neighbors. Everything in between is open to interpretation. History teachers should be thankful of slavery -- surely they couldn't justify 600,000 casualties just to keep the "Union" together. We should indeed be afraid when men of authority tell us there is something to fear -- specifically, their hidden agenda. I hear that questioning the validity of the Iraq War undercuts support of the troops. This claim assumes that the soldiers lack the acumen to see beyond the barrels of their guns, and gravely insults them. Shame on you. We drove the Soviet Union's economy into the ground with the Cold World military race. Now, however, we are continuing the race alone until we too collapse in exhaustion. If you extracted the DNA from every cell in your body and stretched it end-to-end, it would extend all the way to Pluto -- and back -- ten times. At sixty MPH it would require 70,000 years to reach the end. There's more to you than you thought. More irony: the US demanding that Turkey follow a timetable of withdrawl from Iraq. Subtleties of language:
coincidence: a man is afraid of flying, and the plane
crashes on his first trip,
misfortune: it rains on your wedding day,
irony: a store named Sports Authority sells clothes
that fit mostly chubby people.
Saying the terrorists hate us for our freedom is inferring that, rather than rebelling against King George, our forefathers should have sailed across the Atlantic and attacked France. After you saw Idiocracy, did you think it was:
a) a sophomoric farce,
b) a social commentary wrapped in over-the-top humor, or
c) vaguely insulting in a way you can't quite put your finger on?
If you're too smart to smoke pot, then why do you watch television? What may seem like totally irresponsible behavior oftentimes has hidden rational motives. If you know any Hummer owners out there, maybe you can tell me what the hell's going on. The euphamistic term we've used for our military and its related industry became also inaccurate five years ago. Shouldn't we now be saying things like, "We need to be strong on offense."? The most threatening action to any democracy is when that government, purportedly representing the will of the people, utters the words, "In the interests of national security...." Brookstone: for the family that already has everything, but wants more! Pizza should be served to firefighters and marathon runners. It's the reason the rest of us keep gaining weight. |